Open Letter To David Moyes 9ja Version

I’m sitting down here and watching the nigger I just handed N5,000 walk away, a fruity-arse smile on his black-as-satan’s-heart Yoruba face and a spring in his hell-bound step. Why I gave him the money, you might ask. Well, I was stupid enough to bet that my beloved Manchester United will beat the Lucifer-worshipping, heathen Manchester City team on Sunday. I watched absolutely gob-smacked, trying to hold in the diarrhea that was threatening to erupt from the depths of my tortured soul as those closet Nazis ran rings round our lethargic team and thrashed the piss out of us on that Black Sunday. And you Sir, you are completely at fault!
We have played 5 league games this season. Congratulations on the 7 points accumulated so far – abysmal by our standards, but you are coming from Everton, so we’ll let it slide – for now. It must be said that expectations for your initial weeks were quite low. Being with the fixture list and all (which you keep whining about); you have done a fair job. That’s one way to look at it.
Another way of looking at this bullshit is your often perplexing team selections. Please explain to this honoured assembly why you insist on playing that God-forsaken, knock-kneed modafoka Ashley Young? That idiot has not made a decent cross since James Ibori was stealing the shit out of Delta State. The last time he actually dribbled anyone was before the coming of Christ! That dark-skinned nigga is only suited for holding Van Persie’s kit during games, for Christ’s sakes! Drop that fool and give Adnan Januzaj a run of games! That boy is a breath of fresh air and looks like a far better player than that idiot Young. What is Antonio Valencia doing on that right wing? Nigger’s so one-legged, even Khalid Boulahrouz can mark him out of a game in his sleep. Turn that nigga into a right back and get a decent winger to run riot there and feed RVP and Rooney for the love of Alomo Bitters!

Ehen, why are you even playing Chris Smalling? Yes, his grass to grace story is inspiring, but isn’t it obvious to you that the guy plays with half a brain? – The other half of that brain is with Phil Jones. The damn boy can’t cross for shit. He can’t tackle to save his life, and his marking is jerkier than a two year old playing FIFA 2014! Then there is Evra. Look, Jesus Navas used him for training. I know you have a thing against players with tattoos, but Buttner has actually played well for Manchester United. Fabio as well, or is it Rafael. Play these boys.
You might not know a lot about Nigeria, although you managed Joseph Yobo and that fat-arse Yakubu Aiyegbeni. You might want to call them and ask what jazz means, because I swear to God I will jazz the shit out of you and your family if you play that imbecilic Danny Welbeck one more time. I don’t know if you have a dark-skin quota to fill in the team so you put Young, Welbeck and Valencia but you need to stop fielding that mandingo-looking nigga and start putting Chicharito or Kagawa instead! Welbeck is easily the worst player in that team and everyone unanimously agrees on that score except your good self!

Mr Moyes, I don’t dodge my girlfriend and pay N100 to watch United games in Wasiu’s viewing center down the road every weekend to be watching the kind of rubbish you are presiding over. You need to sort this shit out, and fast. We were tolerant of Baba because he won us a raft of titles in his days. That privilege hasn’t been extended to you yet.
The post is courtesy of Magamaga.com.ng - Nigeria’s coolest humour-themed website.